Sunday Discussion: This Summer's Worst of the Worst
by Alex Billington
May 4, 2008
I'm currently basking in the glory that is Iron Man and Speed Racer - two great movies to kick off the this summer. And as much as I wish I could sit back and enjoy every last movie that'll grace the glorious big screen over the next few months, alas there are some nasty duds coming up. I'm not one to really nitpick the big ones, but this time there are at least five movies that really stand out. Partially inspired by Kevin Carr's Eight Summer Movies That Are Sure to Suck Ass article and partially inspired by the thought that every movie so far has been great is too good to continue, I've decided to look at this summer's worst of the worst today. Watch out though - some of these movies have really gotten under my skin and it's rare to see me let loose on these utter piles of cinematic crap.
What Happens in Vegas
Ashton Kutcher hasn't been funny since Dude Where's My Car? and Cameron Diaz stopped being entertaining when she turned 30. Two deadpan actors teaming up in a one-versus-the-other romantic comedy - you've got to be kidding me! This movie looks ridiculously bad. So bad I can't even begin to talk about it. I didn't see Baby Mama because there were so many stupid lines in the trailer that I just didn't want to painfully sit through. It's the same with What Happens in Vegas - I really don't want to sit through every painful minute to walk out even more aggravated than I came in. I really hope no one goes and sees this, but they probably will. If it ends up making more money than Speed Racer next weekend I will truly be pissed.
The Love Guru
As much as I was initially excited to see Mike Myers return with an original character, after seeing the first trailer I realized he has truly reached a new low. Not only is the movie going to really suck but it's going to flop worse than League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (or so I truly hope). I even saw a scene in Las Vegas where Myers got attacked by a guard chicken - a chicken! Normally Paramount puts out the best movies, but now they've got this?! Everyone else seems to agree too, saying this looks like Austin Powers 4 but not even half as funny. I want to give it a chance, but every time I see the trailer I almost end up throwing my popcorn, soda, and candy at the screen. I'm already guessing - The Love Guru is going to be one of the worst rated movies of the year!
Wait, I spoke too soon, this is going to be the worst rated movie of the year! Eddie Murphy - please stop acting in comedies. You didn't win the Oscar for Dreamgirls, which I thoroughly enjoyed you in, because you put out that piece of shit called Norbit. I used to love Elizabeth Banks, but now I have lost all respect for her too, and that's not even a joke. Meet Dave looks like the stupidest pile of comedic shit since Norbit - and it will probably be worse! I don't know how anyone can laugh at this kind of comedy?! It's not funny, not one second of it, and it gets worse as the trailer goes on! I am going to stay miles away from this one. It doesn't even deserve any more commentary - I'm done!
Just because you have animators who can create CGI doesn't mean you should use them to create crappy movies like this one! Leave CGI movies up to experienced studios like Pixar, DreamWorks, and Blue Sky! Space Chimps looks like they took everything crappy about all of the other movies mentioned in this article and crammed them all into one downright stupid animated CGI kids movie. It's going to be 80 minutes of passion-less mindless entertainment that I bet kids won't even enjoy. There is nothing good that can come of this. Space Chimps is going to be a disaster as epic as the Challenger. I'm really sorry Fox, but please keep your stupid animated movies out of my movie theater and on DVD and in mini vans where they belong.
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
I'm a huge fan of the first Mummy, but I hated Mummy Returns with a passion. And now seven years later they're making another one? As much as I'd like to respect Jet Li's involvement, I recently saw The Forbidden Kingdom - and lost all respect for him in that as the Monkey King. The worst part is that this is being directed by Rob Cohen of Fast and the Furious, xXx, and Stealth. There is really no way around it - Mummy 3 is going to be as bad of an action movie as both xXx and Stealth. I want to hold out and say it could be good, but I know in my heart that Cohen is nearly on the same level of Uwe Boll and he's just not capable of creating anything good. I'll see it and I'll give it a chance, but the moment it turns bad, I'm going to let loose on this one.
You may be asking why Hancock isn't on here when my initial reaction was pure hatred? Well, to be honest, the latest trailer has completely changed me - maybe this movie could be good after all. There will be some stupid lines and ridiculous moments that I won't be able to get past, but besides those, I'm actually thinking it could be entertaining. With that, I'm nervously opening this discussion to all of you. What looks like absolute crap this summer to you? And please be smart and actually put some real reasoning into your opinions!