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It's Aliens, I Tell You! It's Aliens Who've Sunk My Battleship!

by Brandon Lee Tenney
November 7, 2009
Source: Latino Review

But seriously. We already know that the classic Hasbro board game, Battleship, is being adapted into a live-action feature film to be directed by Peter Berg. We know that Universal is planning on releasing it on August 5th, 2011. We know that the film will be shooting next Spring. What we didn't know, until now, however, is just who the international five-ship fleet (discussed by Berg) would be fighting. Well, according to Latino Review, we do now. Aliens. Sorry. Let me have another go at that. ALIENS! Oh yes. Sweet Zuul, yes. There's no word on what type of aliens, where they'll be from (aside from OUTER! SPACE!), or which leader they'll demand to see, but, again... we're talking about aliens here. Who cares about the logistics.

Now, in this next paragraph, I could do a couple of different things. I could choose to brutally eviscerate Universal and Peter Berg and Battleship. I could choose to question just why aliens would choose to attack Earth... via the sea (when to even get to our solar system, they obviously had to have some sort of space travel. Unless we're talking about some deep-sea dwelling aliens who've finally had enough of our terrestrial bullshit.) Sure, Earth has a lot of water. You know what else it has? A lot of airspace. Like, one hundred percent. We're surrounded by the stuff. Sure, that's been done. Independence Day. V. But it's been done for a reason. 'Cause it makes sense. Maybe Battleship will take place only partially on the high seas. It'll be about only one arm of the aliens' attack. Who knows? But I'm going to choose not to flay the amphibious skin from Universal's body. That'll be your job, good readers. Instead, I'm going to go for option two:

Fuck. Yes. Aliens. I love aliens. The more movies about aliens, the better. Hell, the only way this news could get better is if Berg said the battle would be alien on alien. Who needs to see another movie about humans?! How blasé. And if it's not already completely obvious, Battleship is going to be based on the game about as much as Transformers was based on the action figures, but probably less literal. It's taking the name alone. And that's just what these crazy-in-theory Hasbro adaptations need to do. They need to take the name, tuck it in an inside pocket, and don a fresh uniform. In this case, a Navy uniform versus an alien shark-skin carapace. I mean, what else are these aliens on Earth for? They're here for our sea water, and they're not leaving without it. Good thing for us, though, that they came with only five sea crafts of moderately increasing size to match up with our own.

You know what else is going to be awesome? When Hasbro eventually releases the updated version of Battleship that's based on the movie that was based on the original game of Battleship. Then you can watch those no-good, slimy aliens get their battleships all blown up while you play along at home! So, where'd this news hit you today? Your patrol boat? Your destroyer? Or--dare I say--your aircraft carrier?!

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