Galactic Empire Responds to White House Refusal to Build Death Star

January 15, 2013

Galactic Empire

Just yesterday we called attention to the official White House response to a petition for the United States government to begin gathering funding to begin building a Death Star in 2016. This happened after the petition on We the People amassed more than 34,000 signatures, well above the 25,000 required to get an official response from government officials. Reasons for the refusal included the exorbitant cost (estimated to be $850,000,000,000,000,000), the lack of a desire to blow up planets and also the ignorance in building a space station with a flaw that can be exploited by a single-man spacecraft. Now the Galactic Empire has responded to this statement from the government, and they're not surprised at our cowardice.

Here's the official press release from the Galactic Empire (via

IMPERIAL CENTER, CORUSCANT – The overwhelming military superiority of the Galactic Empire has been confirmed once again by the recent announcement by the President of the United States that his nation would not attempt to build a Death Star, despite the bellicose demands of the people of his tiny, aggressive planet. “It is doubtless that such a technological terror in the hands of so primitive a world would be used to upset the peace and sanctity of the citizens of the Galactic Empire,“ said Governor Wilhuff Tarkin of the Outer Rim Territories. “Such destructive power can only be wielded to protect and defend by so enlightened a leader as Emperor Palpatine.”

Representatives on behalf of the nation-state leader from the unimaginatively named planet refused to acknowledge the obvious cowardice of their choice, preferring instead to attribute the decision to fiscal responsibility. “The costs of construction they cited were ridiculously overestimated, though I suppose we must keep in mind that this miniscule planet does not have our massive means of production,” added Admiral Conan Motti of the Imperial Starfleet.

Emissaries of the Emperor also caution any seditious elements within the Galactic Senate not to believe Earth’s exaggerated claims of there being a weakness in the Death Star design. “Any attacks made upon such a station – should one ever be built – would be a useless gesture,” added Motti.

So there you have it. Not quite as clever as the government response, but there's some nice references for Star Wars fans in there. Plus, I'm sure this will bring a decent amount of traffic to other than the usual fans that visit everyday. It's the best move as we're still waiting for any official updates on Star Wars: Episode VII, and likely any big updates will hit the official franchise website. Rumors are swirling that a director has already been found but Disney is just sitting on an announcement. If so, that's the best kept secret in Hollywood right now, and we just want to have a director revealed already.

Find more posts in Comedy, Cool Stuff, Star Wars

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  • Xerxexx
  • OfficialJab
    We should be ashamed.
  • SkylerB619
    Don't believe them! It's Trap!
  • Awesome!
  • racquetman
    Whatever you geeks do, don't spend time doing something that could actually be deemed productive to society.
    • Xerxexx
      And blasting "geeks" on the internet is productive? Hateful bigots contribute nothing to society...but kudos of proclaiming your ignorance on the internet. Its worth noting that you come off as a jerk. Might want to work that. Yours truly, Xerxexx.
      • racquetman
        I just call 'em like I see 'em. It's funny you think that's bigotry. Most of you people are obviously very intelligent. It's just a shame you don't use that intelligence for something productive.
        • Xerxexx
          Calling people names because they like commenting on website about funny articles is not productive, neither is me calling you out for calling others creates a loop...a loop where nothing productive happens...its useless. So now the two of us are guilty of being unproductive. Nice.
        • michael interbartolo
          I signed it when I wasn't busy working at NASA being a Rocket Scientist.
          • racquetman
            If that really is you, thanks for your contribution to society.
          • michael interbartolo
            no problem.
        • grimjob
          Thing is, you don't "see" any of them. You simply read an article. You're judging people over something that has no effect on your life whatsoever. What's the point? Tell me, what are you passionate about? Got any hobbies?
    • Mike P.
      You're right because electronically signing a petition and formulating a response takes more than 30 minutes tops combined. God forbid they have some fun, they should be spending that 30 minutes in a meaningful way. Good thing we have people like you that devote every waking and sleeping second for the better of mankind. I appreciate your dedication.
      • racquetman
        If it were just those 30 minutes, yes, it would be just for fun. Unfortunately you people spend half your lives indulged in nothing but fantasy. That's just sad.
    • David Banner
      Cats of the world have gathered and decided you are not worthy of using 1 of their own as an avatar. Have it removed, or they will poop on your lawn.
  • I think that's awesome. Great way to put a much needed smile on someone's face! To me, that in itself is worth its weight in gold.
    • wat ?
      How much does an internet petition weigh in real world ? What do you weigh ?
      • *rim shot
        • wat ?
          No,no. You f***ed up.Don't try to cover it up by "being funny".Be a man.Own it.
          • And you are obviously a sociopath. Don't try and be funny by pretending that my expression of "worth its weight in gold" is literal, as opposed to a figure of speech. By the way, have you ever weighed 34,000 human beings? Get some maturity. It's actually free.
          • wat?
            ..touched a nerve there buddy ...?...oh how quickly does a positive outlook go out the window...
          • You're not making sense. Moving on.
  • Andrew
    Build the Death Star Obama you need something for your legacy
  • David Banner
    I am confused, why has no one taken CLONES into account for the construction of the Death Star? You don't need to pay them, and if you know a thing or two about construction, that's a huge savings.
  • Toasted aUncle Ben
    By analysing that syntax I concluded that was written by a protocol droid. C-3PO is that you?




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