MOVIE TRAILERS

Don't Watch: Vin Diesel in First Trailer for 'xXx: Return of Xander Cage'

by
July 19, 2016
Source: YouTube

xXx: Return of Xander Cage Trailer

"The world has changed… The war we're fighting today needs a different kind of solider." He's back! And man does this look bad. Paramount has debuted the first teaser trailer for the sequel xXx: Return of Xander Cage, the next film in the xXx ("triple X") series. Vin Diesel returns as Xander Cage, along with an international cast: Deepika Padukone, Donnie Yen, Tony Jaa, Nina Dobrev, Rory McCann and Samuel L. Jackson. This looks unbelievably cheesy in kind of an offensive way. Every last line of dialogue is utterly atrocious, and I have no idea what the heck is even happening in this. Why is he skiing through a jungle? How the hell is he riding a motorcycle on water? None of this makes any sense at all. What a mess.

Here's the first trailer for D.J. Caruso's xXx: Return of Xander Cage, direct from Paramount's YouTube:

Xander Cage (Vin Diesel) is left for dead after an incident, though he secretly returns to action for a new, tough assignment with his handler Augustus Gibbons. The latest sequel the xXx series, which first launched in theaters with Xander Cage back in 2002. xXx: Return of Xander Cage is directed by filmmaker D.J. Caruso, of the films The Salton Sea, Taking Lives, Disturbia, Eagle Eye, I Am Number Four and Standing Up previously; he also directed the upcoming film The Disappointments Room. The screenplay is written by F. Scott Frazier and Chad St. John. Paramount Pictures will release xXx: Return of Xander Cage in theaters starting January 20th, 2017 early next year. For more updates, follow the film on Facebook.

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  • Brandon
    Wow, another "Fuck You, It's January" movie.
  • Justin R
    Were they driving dirt bikes on the water?
    • TK
      Robbie Maddison pipe dream on youtube.
      • rickvanr
        ski on front wheel, special back tire, and doesn't go underwater, next.
  • grimjob
    Forced myself to watch the first one last year, I guess because I like Vin Diesel. Stupid goddamn movie.
    • Astroboy3000
      that was a documentary and the events happened in real time.
      • grimjob
        Scientist Parker! I am forever.
  • So tell me why I can’t be bat shit crazy? I’ve seen a video where they fit skis to a bike on a lake or something - with paddle styled wheels. It’s amusing the way they ski in the jungle and then motocross on the water. It’s almost like they wanted to take the piss by swapping those two activates around… I don’t see how this is going to make money as a realistic spy documentary. Unless… LOL…
  • redtie
    If you didn't like the trailer, you're probably not 13.
  • evilED
    Ruby Rose is hot, but she's a dyke. So I can't buy her wanting to have sex with Vin.
  • shiboleth
    Ok, I get that movies have to be in a way escapist fun. But this is loosing it. Vin Diesel is lazy and he is not willing to look for better roles than this. I hope he won't end up like that terrible Steven Seagal ...
    • Steven Seagal's movies, save the first Nico, are all a serious parody of themselves.
      • shiboleth
        I am afraid, he is personally that way, too ...
    • Bo
      He's already there, shiboleth...still, this looks so stupid and absurd I thought it was funny...I'd never pay to see it...ever...but on cable...at home.. could be an amusing hour and a half...no? I could be wrong. Nothing wrong in watching...and enjoying trash...as long as one is fully, fully aware, that they are watching trash...righto cheerio?
      • shiboleth
        Yeah, I agree. But believe me, first impression was terrible. However, I remember the first one with him (I never watched second one with - Ice Cube?) when I did just what you described. Like, let's give it a try. And man, that was some suffering for me. This one has the same vibe. But then again, who knows in some distant time with nothing else to do, too tired to think of anything else, and cable is there. Yeah, overstretched, but it's possible. I probably have seen worse. And I agree about the trash, you need to have some of it, too ... As you say, ... later ...
        • Bo
          Funny post, man...thanks. Yea, I'm admitting I'm no doubt stretching things here...lol...to say I'm not fan of Vin Diesel is a massive understatement...lol...I enjoyed goofing and laughing at the nonsense in the trailer so I'd probably be best advised that that will probably be the extent of it and not bother thinking I might enjoy 2 hours of it...lol...later...
  • Vin Diesel should do another Riddick movie, instead of those "defying the laws of physics" movies for half brain teens.
    • Jon Odishaw
      Pitch black and Riddick were fun movies.
      • soundtrack was also amazing. thanks to Graeme Revell.
      • Bo
        Well, Pitch Black was certainly good. I'd question the others though.
        • Jon Odishaw
          Pitch black certainly is a cut above. Riddick seems better because it only had to follow Chronicles. I still enjoyed it though.
          • Bo
            Okay by me. I liked Pitch Black...that's it. I liked Rhada Mitchell in it...still like her in whatever she does. Other than that I avoid Vin Diesel like the plague...lol...just his fake name...come on, now...there's nothing in the likes of that for me...lol...
          • I like chronicles. A great escapist movie.
          • Jon Odishaw
            I liked what they tried to do. The world building was great. But I didn't like the way it was executed.
    • Bo
      Yea, but come on, tarek. Vin Diesel movies are idiotic. Yet, this one seems so idiotic and absurd that it could actually be a fun couple of hours to watch stuffing pop corn and bon bond in your face at the same time. No?
      • To be honest, my brain has developed a sensitivity towards these kind of movies. I consider them more as an insult to my intelligence than as a fun pop corn entertainment. And I love fun pop corn entertainment, as long as I don't see someone singing under the water.
        • Bo
          Well said, what more can I say? I thought the trailer was a goof, but I must have gone mad for a moment to think I could watch the whole thing...lol...cheers!
  • nope not for me, maybe when i am dead...
  • Brustbaer
    Neymar?!
  • TK
    How the hell is he riding a motorcycle on water? Well that one is an easy one to answer. Just look up Robbie Maddison pipe dream on youtube. It's been done.
    • rickvanr
      Not even remotely similar. He's got ski on front wheel, special back tire, and he doesn't go underwater.
      • TK
        They actually used the same bikes. Sure it gets ridiculously stupid but just pointing out that a dirt bike has gone on water before.
  • Sharkman1963
    No
  • R3last
    Movie content aside, are we not going to talk about the bastardization of Voodoo Child they've got attached to this?
    • Josh Mobley Music
      Sure, I talk about it. I made this cover of voodoo child with brick + mortar. It actually makes me feel good when I see comments like this. It means that there are people that still think music is important. Certain classic songs are vital to a lot of people and when those classics get tampered with, it's disturbing. So while I'm a little bummed that you don't like our version, that feeling is vastly outweighed by the fact that you get it. You know good music, important music still matters,
  • rickvanr
    This looks terrrrible
  • merlin 2002
    this need mithbusters seal of approval
  • Jon Odishaw
    I don't get the negativity. Sure it looks stupid but did you expect anything else? Like Gibbons said it the trailer "kick some ass and look dope doing it". Looks like a fun smoke a joint and watch it at home movie.
  • DAVIDPD
    The fur coat is back!!
  • Charles Oosterhouse
    I am just sick and tired of seeing soldier spelled as solider. How is this typo so damn common?
    • soldi remark. I mean solid remark.
    • bumboclot
      Solder on.
  • Bl00dwerK
    Hell, I might go see it for the girls... 😉
  • Bo
    I was laughing while reading your article, Alex. Skiing thru the jungle...motorcycle in the water...then I saw the trailer. Are you kidding me? This looks ridiculously great. Stupid great. The silly action. The girls. And hate that I can't stand Jackson because he's in anything and evertythig, but I can't stand him. Still, this looks so absurd and funny I find it amusing...and then the ladies...yea...them....lol...
  • Turn off your brain and have some fun! That's what Vin Diesel's good for!
  • bumboclot
    Whaa..? Are those Jesus motorbikes? Huh? Did he just jump off a 200 foot tower and just land on his feet because he had skis on? Holy crap this looks amazing!
    • Tex Avery is strong with them.

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