MOVIE TRAILERS

Don't Watch: Vin Diesel in First Trailer for 'xXx: Return of Xander Cage'

by
July 19, 2016
Source: YouTube

xXx: Return of Xander Cage Trailer

"The world has changed… The war we're fighting today needs a different kind of solider." He's back! And man does this look bad. Paramount has debuted the first teaser trailer for the sequel xXx: Return of Xander Cage, the next film in the xXx ("triple X") series. Vin Diesel returns as Xander Cage, along with an international cast: Deepika Padukone, Donnie Yen, Tony Jaa, Nina Dobrev, Rory McCann and Samuel L. Jackson. This looks unbelievably cheesy in kind of an offensive way. Every last line of dialogue is utterly atrocious, and I have no idea what the heck is even happening in this. Why is he skiing through a jungle? How the hell is he riding a motorcycle on water? None of this makes any sense at all. What a mess.

Here's the first trailer for D.J. Caruso's xXx: Return of Xander Cage, direct from Paramount's YouTube:

Xander Cage (Vin Diesel) is left for dead after an incident, though he secretly returns to action for a new, tough assignment with his handler Augustus Gibbons. The latest sequel the xXx series, which first launched in theaters with Xander Cage back in 2002. xXx: Return of Xander Cage is directed by filmmaker D.J. Caruso, of the films The Salton Sea, Taking Lives, Disturbia, Eagle Eye, I Am Number Four and Standing Up previously; he also directed the upcoming film The Disappointments Room. The screenplay is written by F. Scott Frazier and Chad St. John. Paramount Pictures will release xXx: Return of Xander Cage in theaters starting January 20th, 2017 early next year. For more updates, follow the film on Facebook.

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Reader Feedback - 48 Comments

1

Wow, another "Fuck You, It's January" movie.

Brandon on Jul 19, 2016

2

Were they driving dirt bikes on the water?

Justin R on Jul 19, 2016

3

Robbie Maddison pipe dream on youtube.

TK on Jul 20, 2016

4

ski on front wheel, special back tire, and doesn't go underwater, next.

rickvanr on Jul 20, 2016

5

Forced myself to watch the first one last year, I guess because I like Vin Diesel. Stupid goddamn movie.

grimjob on Jul 19, 2016

6

that was a documentary and the events happened in real time.

Astroboy3000 on Jul 20, 2016

7

Scientist Parker! I am forever.

grimjob on Jul 20, 2016

8

So tell me why I can’t be bat shit crazy? I’ve seen a video where they fit skis to a bike on a lake or something - with paddle styled wheels. It’s amusing the way they ski in the jungle and then motocross on the water. It’s almost like they wanted to take the piss by swapping those two activates around… I don’t see how this is going to make money as a realistic spy documentary. Unless… LOL…

Michael on Jul 19, 2016

9

If you didn't like the trailer, you're probably not 13.

redtie on Jul 19, 2016

10

Ruby Rose is hot, but she's a dyke. So I can't buy her wanting to have sex with Vin.

evilED on Jul 19, 2016

11

Well Robbie Maddison has ridden a dirt bike across water. You just have to watch pipe dream on youtube. - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDi9uFcD7XI

TK on Jul 20, 2016

12

Ok, I get that movies have to be in a way escapist fun. But this is loosing it. Vin Diesel is lazy and he is not willing to look for better roles than this. I hope he won't end up like that terrible Steven Seagal ...

shiboleth on Jul 20, 2016

13

Steven Seagal's movies, save the first Nico, are all a serious parody of themselves.

tarek on Jul 20, 2016

14

I am afraid, he is personally that way, too ...

shiboleth on Jul 20, 2016

15

He's already there, shiboleth...still, this looks so stupid and absurd I thought it was funny...I'd never pay to see it...ever...but on cable...at home.. could be an amusing hour and a half...no? I could be wrong. Nothing wrong in watching...and enjoying trash...as long as one is fully, fully aware, that they are watching trash...righto cheerio?

Bo on Jul 20, 2016

16

Yeah, I agree. But believe me, first impression was terrible. However, I remember the first one with him (I never watched second one with - Ice Cube?) when I did just what you described. Like, let's give it a try. And man, that was some suffering for me. This one has the same vibe. But then again, who knows in some distant time with nothing else to do, too tired to think of anything else, and cable is there. Yeah, overstretched, but it's possible. I probably have seen worse. And I agree about the trash, you need to have some of it, too ... As you say, ... later ...

shiboleth on Jul 20, 2016

17

Funny post, man...thanks. Yea, I'm admitting I'm no doubt stretching things here...lol...to say I'm not fan of Vin Diesel is a massive understatement...lol...I enjoyed goofing and laughing at the nonsense in the trailer so I'd probably be best advised that that will probably be the extent of it and not bother thinking I might enjoy 2 hours of it...lol...later...

Bo on Jul 20, 2016

18

Vin Diesel should do another Riddick movie, instead of those "defying the laws of physics" movies for half brain teens.

tarek on Jul 20, 2016

19

Pitch black and Riddick were fun movies.

Jon Odishaw on Jul 20, 2016

20

soundtrack was also amazing. thanks to Graeme Revell.

tarek on Jul 20, 2016

21

Well, Pitch Black was certainly good. I'd question the others though.

Bo on Jul 20, 2016

22

Pitch black certainly is a cut above. Riddick seems better because it only had to follow Chronicles. I still enjoyed it though.

Jon Odishaw on Jul 20, 2016

23

Okay by me. I liked Pitch Black...that's it. I liked Rhada Mitchell in it...still like her in whatever she does. Other than that I avoid Vin Diesel like the plague...lol...just his fake name...come on, now...there's nothing in the likes of that for me...lol...

Bo on Jul 20, 2016

24

I like chronicles. A great escapist movie.

tarek on Jul 22, 2016

25

I liked what they tried to do. The world building was great. But I didn't like the way it was executed.

Jon Odishaw on Jul 22, 2016

26

Yea, but come on, tarek. Vin Diesel movies are idiotic. Yet, this one seems so idiotic and absurd that it could actually be a fun couple of hours to watch stuffing pop corn and bon bond in your face at the same time. No?

Bo on Jul 20, 2016

27

To be honest, my brain has developed a sensitivity towards these kind of movies. I consider them more as an insult to my intelligence than as a fun pop corn entertainment. And I love fun pop corn entertainment, as long as I don't see someone singing under the water.

tarek on Jul 20, 2016

28

Well said, what more can I say? I thought the trailer was a goof, but I must have gone mad for a moment to think I could watch the whole thing...lol...cheers!

Bo on Jul 20, 2016

29

nope not for me, maybe when i am dead...

ari smulders on Jul 20, 2016

30

Neymar?!

Brustbaer on Jul 20, 2016

31

How the hell is he riding a motorcycle on water? Well that one is an easy one to answer. Just look up Robbie Maddison pipe dream on youtube. It's been done.

TK on Jul 20, 2016

32

Not even remotely similar. He's got ski on front wheel, special back tire, and he doesn't go underwater.

rickvanr on Jul 20, 2016

33

They actually used the same bikes. Sure it gets ridiculously stupid but just pointing out that a dirt bike has gone on water before.

TK on Jul 21, 2016

34

No

Sharkman1963 on Jul 20, 2016

35

Movie content aside, are we not going to talk about the bastardization of Voodoo Child they've got attached to this?

R3last on Jul 20, 2016

36

Sure, I talk about it. I made this cover of voodoo child with brick + mortar. It actually makes me feel good when I see comments like this. It means that there are people that still think music is important. Certain classic songs are vital to a lot of people and when those classics get tampered with, it's disturbing. So while I'm a little bummed that you don't like our version, that feeling is vastly outweighed by the fact that you get it. You know good music, important music still matters,

Josh Mobley Music on Jul 22, 2016

37

This looks terrrrible

rickvanr on Jul 20, 2016

38

this need mithbusters seal of approval

merlin 2002 on Jul 20, 2016

39

I don't get the negativity. Sure it looks stupid but did you expect anything else? Like Gibbons said it the trailer "kick some ass and look dope doing it". Looks like a fun smoke a joint and watch it at home movie.

Jon Odishaw on Jul 20, 2016

40

The fur coat is back!!

DAVIDPD on Jul 20, 2016

41

I am just sick and tired of seeing soldier spelled as solider. How is this typo so damn common?

Charles Oosterhouse on Jul 20, 2016

42

soldi remark. I mean solid remark.

tarek on Jul 20, 2016

43

Solder on.

bumboclot on Jul 21, 2016

44

Hell, I might go see it for the girls... 😉

Bl00dwerK on Jul 20, 2016

45

I was laughing while reading your article, Alex. Skiing thru the jungle...motorcycle in the water...then I saw the trailer. Are you kidding me? This looks ridiculously great. Stupid great. The silly action. The girls. And hate that I can't stand Jackson because he's in anything and evertythig, but I can't stand him. Still, this looks so absurd and funny I find it amusing...and then the ladies...yea...them....lol...

Bo on Jul 20, 2016

46

Turn off your brain and have some fun! That's what Vin Diesel's good for!

Lar Rackell on Jul 20, 2016

47

Whaa..? Are those Jesus motorbikes? Huh? Did he just jump off a 200 foot tower and just land on his feet because he had skis on? Holy crap this looks amazing!

bumboclot on Jul 21, 2016

48

Tex Avery is strong with them.

tarek on Jul 22, 2016

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